Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"
←Rate | 11-10-2010 11:28 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow... barefoot" was good in it's day. But imagine the sheer terror on your kid's face when you drop "When I was born there was no internet".
←Rate | 03-29-2010 09:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.
←Rate | 10-12-2010 12:20 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
←Rate | 08-11-2015 22:37 by gremlinsd Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...
←Rate | 06-07-2010 21:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
←Rate | 11-19-2012 23:43 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.
←Rate | 04-30-2015 13:35 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet
←Rate | 10-19-2013 09:35 by derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jello is just kool-aid...with a hard on...
←Rate | 02-09-2011 11:58 by Tyler G Comments (0)  

   messageicon Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie
←Rate | 09-28-2011 12:50 by @BoyGotJokes Comments (0)  

   messageicon In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.
←Rate | 01-13-2012 13:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The party dont start till I log in.
←Rate | 12-23-2011 09:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In high school I was voted "most likely to succeed". Boy, did I prove those idiots wrong!
←Rate | 05-03-2012 11:44 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every day can be Friday if you're really irresponsible.
←Rate | 03-22-2013 11:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when those kids on MTV Teen Cribs say, "this is my infinity pool." No. That's your parents' infinity pool. All you did was fall out of the right vagina.
←Rate | 04-01-2010 14:30 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Girlfriend's parents gave me a Best Buy gift card, which will be turned into a video game that causes me to ignore her for the next 30 days.
←Rate | 11-23-2010 14:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.
←Rate | 05-28-2013 14:52 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Heading to the polls to vote for the fifth time this week!!!!...... God I love living in the state of Florida!!!!
←Rate | 11-06-2012 07:03 by FLA PAULY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald Sterling's girlfriend said she's “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.
←Rate | 05-02-2014 16:16 by Mark M Comments (1)  

   messageicon Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
←Rate | 01-08-2014 12:57 by Huck Comments (0)  

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