Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
←Rate | 02-16-2013 12:45 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
←Rate | 01-03-2013 21:49 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.
←Rate | 03-09-2011 15:16 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
←Rate | 09-07-2011 12:17 by Joseph Robert Comments (0)  

   messageicon I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don't know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof.
←Rate | 09-13-2011 03:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The hardest thing you'll ever do is watch the one you love, love someone else.
←Rate | 05-12-2010 09:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon hit a parked car while texting. Even sadder, I was WALKING.
←Rate | 06-13-2010 20:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.
←Rate | 09-17-2010 19:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just Overheard on BlackOps online;Guy 1: YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE HAD AN ABORTION!!!! Guy 2: I know I Hate my sister!
←Rate | 12-05-2010 05:00 by Rachael Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"
←Rate | 02-21-2014 23:14 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
←Rate | 12-25-2012 19:24 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're reading this while camping out in front of Walmart. You're a douche bag.
←Rate | 11-21-2012 15:25 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we're fucked.
←Rate | 08-07-2012 00:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I leave a store without buying anything all I can think is “act natural, you're innocent”.
←Rate | 10-07-2012 08:57 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 21:19 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.
←Rate | 01-28-2011 14:10 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
←Rate | 01-31-2011 18:02 by Will Comments (1)  

   messageicon Why can't braille just be in the shape of the letters?
←Rate | 07-07-2011 21:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love Pandas, They're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm white, Black, & Asian..."
←Rate | 05-11-2011 14:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy Mothers Day to all the stay at home dads
←Rate | 05-08-2011 13:11 by @iTechnoBoy Comments (0)  

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