Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love may be blind, but It doesn't have to be stupid.

   Big misunderstanding: I wish someone had told me ahead of time that I wasn’t required to disrobe at a “Gender Reveal Party”.

   My children want a cat for Christmas ... Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it can make them happy!

   An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.

   Having a non stick pan with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

   If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere

   Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.

   Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..

   Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.

   There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.

   I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.

   I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.

   I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.

   The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.