Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 15:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sean Connery must have had a hard time training his dog to sit
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"
←Rate | 10-02-2019 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
←Rate | 10-06-2019 17:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
←Rate | 12-20-2019 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Random thought of the day. A vagina is similar to a nuclear bomb in that you don't have to actually use it for it to be an effective weapon. Usually, you can get people to do what you want just by letting them think you MIGHT use it.
←Rate | 11-06-2016 19:02 by Joseph Robert Comments (0)  

   messageicon Listening to the news right now .... I'm trying to figure out which ones are the "Real" and which are the "Fake" News Channels. Some are portraying Fidel Castro as a Champion of the People. Is that considered as Real or Fake News?
←Rate | 11-26-2016 01:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.
←Rate | 03-01-2017 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!!
←Rate | 03-08-2017 12:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.
←Rate | 07-26-2013 02:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.
←Rate | 06-01-2011 10:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
←Rate | 10-29-2011 12:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
←Rate | 05-02-2012 07:36 by Pong Lenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everytime this post is liked, Kanye West gets kicked in the genitals.
←Rate | 02-20-2016 18:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.
←Rate | 01-24-2013 14:24 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
←Rate | 09-05-2013 20:05 by Aaron Comments (0)  

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