Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.

   Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.

   If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her

   Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot

   "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."

   For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.

   Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.

   There should be a reality TV show where anti-capitalist millennials are questioned about what kind of government they want and then sent to a country that closely resembles their version as closely as possible and forced to live there for a few months.

   Values of the woke: Victimizing yourself is powerful, bravery is dangerous, self-responsibility is someone else’s responsibility, reality isn’t real.

   the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

   I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor.

   When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?

   When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

   I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

   Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.

   Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   Half my Facebook friends have just become immigration lawyers within the past week!

   From the size of the crowd I would say wrong again .

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.

   Better vote right on all the left stuff and left on all the right stuff every ten minutes. I’m extremely immature.