Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We have the laziest Easter Bunny here....He didn't bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.

   I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   No matter how bad life seems, just remember,,, You can order live bees on the internet.

   Why is it that people who are the most vocal about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.

   Um, Yes, despite your 5 divorces by 35, all the men you date are pigs.

   I love my kid but I'm still going to eat his fries when he goes to the bathroom then lie to his face about it.

   I was gonna throw an Earth Day party but I forgot to planet.

   Calling it Jerk Chicken is rude. Maybe it had a rough childhood, you don't know.

   Kanye be like "Beyonce should have won that fight."

   Learn how to spell.

   Walked into a public washroom and it sounded like someone was power-lifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

   Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.

   Sorry I replaced your pepper-spray with silly-string but you gotta admit the surprised look on that mugger's face was priceless...

   If I owned a theme park I’d name it Three Flags because I’d probably half-ass it..

   My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

   Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

   It's hard to believe in evolution, when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

   In honor of Cyber Monday...my pants are 75% off...