Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.

   What I wouldn't give for one of those push button secret trap door pitfall things in front of my desk today!

   I hope I never get Alzheimer's... I hate the thought of other people thinking that I should be remembering something that I'm not sure I would want to remember in the first place.

   would like a minute of your time dear friends...I'm collecting them in order to create an extra hour for me to sleep!

   At least Bin Laden doesn't have to watch dancing with the stars anymore

   Sometimes Karma does not even want to get involved, it just wants to sit and watch because it knows, sooner or later, they are bound to screw up all by themselves.

   Today I met a FOOL who has both, his girlfriend and her mother as friends on his Facebook.

   What is about public restrooms that make people go, "Yeah, I'm just not going to flush"

   Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you're in trouble.

   there may be a me in team.. but, there's 3 u's in "shut the fu*k up"

   I don't run from hurricanes, I drink them.........

   I know two wrongs doesn't make a right, but I'm determined to find out just how many wrongs will.

   If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.

   BP executives said that Hurrican Alex rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed.

   I am used but in good condition

   Darthvader should of been made to pay back dated child support for Luke!

   ‎...just heard that angered by today's Federal indictment for lying to Congress about his use of steroids and human growth hormones, Roger Clemens threw a car at reporters...

   Look at it this way... If Walmart didn't exist, those people could shop ANYWHERE.

   TSA Pat Downs. Stealing the Mile High Club's thunder since 2010.

   Acquaintance: a person I know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.