Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could get 3 dollars plus a gallon for MY gas....I mean, it seems to be pretty high octane...........

   I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.

   if you're 40+ and never married, just say you're divorced so people won't think there's something wrong with you...

   International Women’s Day……Cause it’s not like you want attention on any other day…

   I have a USB drive on my keys so that if I'm ever dying in public I can hand it to a stranger and shout "Get this to the President before.."

   Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to post that you won't be signing autographs when you get off of work at 5 today.

   Hey,,, That's a cool race car bed,, kid.. Maybe someday you can be like me and sleep in a real car...

   If I had a d ick I'd definitely get it stuck in something it wasn't supposed to be in by the end of the first day.

   Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?

   Considering she died three years ago I think Barbara Walters is amazing on "The View."

   Some things get in the way of my happiness so I ignore them.

   There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.

   You have no idea how happy I get when p̶h̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶r̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶ the microwave beeps and the food is ready.

   This cup is so good, I now know why coffee got it's own table in the living room

   Do I need to pee on you to mark my property? Cause I will.

   I have reached that point of my day where no more productivity is possible...

   I don't mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they'd use the part behind me.

   To all you that think you can sing and/or rap. You can't. Signed: everyone.

   Scavenger hunt time! Find a parent in Walmart who looks happy to be a parent.