Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone remember when MTV was "white"?

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake. Then this will be my last status update.

   ...can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

   My ex just sent me a photo of her having sex with her new boyfriend. I sent it to her Dad

   I failed the quiz by 1 point, the last question was " where do most women have curly hair" apparently the correct answer was "Africa"..

   Single girls give better hugs.

   Do you remember your parents telling you when you were bad, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" Those were the good ole' days

   If a girl is stupid enough to love you after you broke her heart, I guarantee you, she is the one.

   Global Warming must be true, it seems a lot of snow flakes are melting this year.

   Bad Gun! Bad Gun!....Shame on you for making criminals do those bad things!.......And then those Forks that are making me Fat!!!

   If the Olympics has taught me anything it's that China may have a population of over 1 billion... but they only have two hair styles.

   so youre looking for a good guy who will love and respect you, but yet you post half naked pics on your fb? why thats. .thats brilliant!

   If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

   The week has seven days: Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday.

   I always hold the door open for women… even if they don't want to get into my van…

   A bottle of wine and I still have feelings. Time for whiskey.

   Step 1: Attach a mustache to your TV. Step 2: Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   Daylight Saving Time this weekend but try not to lose any sleep over it

   The most awkward thing you can hear from the guy at the urinal next to you..."Hey, nice watch".

   I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what I do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, I draw the line. I'm sorry but I just can't let you beat me at mario kart