Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake. Then this will be my last status update.

   Anyone remember when MTV was "white"?

   ...can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

   Does this rag smell like Chloroform?

   Katy Perry's cleavage too much for Sesame Street "HELLO" Elmo is naked

   Daughter walks in on her mom giving dad a hand job, "Mommy, what you doing?" Mom says "Your daddy is getting too fat, so I'm letting some of the air out of him." The little girl replies, "Good luck, the lady next door is just got done blowing him up again

   Wishing I knew all my Facebook friends....Some seem pretty cool...Sure hope I meet them someday....

   I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

   instead of fighting over healthcare the government should just legalize-marijuana. then when we are all stoned then they can do what they want and we will all be to ripped to care

   I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what I do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, I draw the line. I'm sorry but I just can't let you beat me at mario kart

   Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

   Dating sites should have a section for people to leave a review for the person they went out with.

   I just dropped $2 somewhere under the passenger seat in my car, so I guess I have a savings account now.

   Relax, everyone.....The government that couldn't get a website to work has got this Ebola thing. Don't worry!!

   Wedding cake…One last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

   So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don't give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.

   If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

   The week has seven days: Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday.

   I always hold the door open for women… even if they don't want to get into my van…

   Bad Gun! Bad Gun!....Shame on you for making criminals do those bad things!.......And then those Forks that are making me Fat!!!