Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   to the woman that won the powerball.."What's up baby"...

   You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when they really want Revenge.

   If you see someone crying, ask if is because of their haircut.

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.

   The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

   In Florida we get "I'm still voting" stickers.

   It’s not unusual to get Tom Jones songs stuck in your head.

   Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon.

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

   We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.