Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had to make small talk with a bum at a freeway exit ramp because I couldn't roll up my window in time to ignore him

   The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.

   I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I'm feeling pretty awesome!!

   Some people are meant to be loved from a safe distance.

   gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.

   If I were a rapper I'd go by the name of lay-Z. Wouldn't release a single track.

   I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I'm afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.

   Who ever said talk is cheap never got a bill from a lawyer for a 30 minute consultation.

   You young punks are sissyfied... so quick to pick up a gun and scared to take an ass whippin'

   People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn't agree.

   I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.

   If I don't get enough sleep, I'm tired. If I get too much, I'm tired. And even if I get the right amount, I still need three pots of coffee.

   Diet is going great! No hostess snack cakes at all this year

   Dear coworkers, please understand that my headphones on are the international sign for "leave me the hell alone."

   My favorite exercise at the gym would definitely be judging.

   The official Boston Suspects video on Youtube starts with an advertisement ... WTF!!!

   Admit it, the only thing that can make your lazy ass get up is when your laptop says 5% Battery Remaining.

   If you have never said "Luke, I am your father" into an empty pringles can, then you probably should get on that

   My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home,, and forgetting things.

   There's something about today that wants me to be hungover tomorrow.