Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever

   Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

   In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.

   Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?

   Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.

   With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!

   It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.

   Babies are participation trophies for men.

   Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili's at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I've decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili's.

   Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

   Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.

   Never blame someone for the road you're on.. It's your own asphalt.

   Let's proudly wave our American flags made in China this weekend.