Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thirsty Thursday should be a national holiday!!

   You know times are tough when you are totally jealous of your friends shopping spree... at the dollar store!

   How has the guy who makes Capri Sun straw openings not been up for a job performance review?

   Can officially confirm that the way to a man's heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.

   My misery loves vodka, and hates company.

   My Level Of Maturity Changes Depending On Who I'm With

   I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.

   It's not a walk of shame if you moonwalk through it.

   My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   nothing makes you a hypocrite like becoming a parent...

   There's a special place on my crappy list for people that complicate relatively simple situations.

   Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.

   When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.

   If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.

   My fridge is so full of beer I'm going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.

   This hot fudge sundae hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.

   People make me itch!

   Well, with no shave November, Halo 4 and Black Ops 2 this month, I'm predicting teen pregnancy will be at an all time low

   I got up this morning and decided to put on my favorite fat jeans only to realize they have become just another pair of my skinny jeans.

   Of all your flaws, the one that allows you to like me, is my favorite.