Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All of these couples in the Hallmark Christmas movies that fall in love in a couple of days should have sequels on the Crime Network by Halloween when one of them murders the other one.

   My "Facebook Moments" thing is just a bunch of pictures of me getting drunk so, whatever...

   "That's What." - She

   FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.

   Thanks to leggings and yoga pants, my imagination can take a break.

   Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. One time, I lasted all the way through the opening credits of Game of Thrones.

   Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

   For all you people thinking about giving healthy Halloween treats, just stop now while you are ahead

   When it comes to a recipe for a disaster, some people thrive on being the main ingredient.

   I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

   Authorities should not allow the "selfie" song on the radio. It leaves you no choice but to drive off the road into a tree!

   Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.

   "As seen on tv": Get two pieces of crap that don't work for the price of one.

   My attractive feature is that sometimes I go away.

   You can't spell furloughed without f-u

   I never did learn how to set the time on a VCR. These kids have no idea how good they have it.

   This status, is guaranteed not to be on an E Card

   Okay, coffee's kicked in. What were you saying? Oh, sorry. Let me get that duct tape off your mouth.

   You should appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.... unless it's an s.t.d.