Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what would make this Pina Colada better? Cancun.

   amazed about how slow old people drive.That is until they see a parking spot at the mall of course.

   has come to the conclusion that people who think they are better than anybody else have to think that way because no one else thinks they are...

   Zipper vs. Penis .... Who ya got??

   You do not need a clock to know that you overslept 3 hours for that important meeting. When you wake up, something in the air just screams "You are SO f*cked."

   My favorite tactic is reverse .ygolohcysp

   They say spiders, bears and snakes are as scared of us as we are of them. They have an advantage over people, though. They're probably pretty damned sure people aren't going to bite them.

   Alcohol induced dreams make for all sorts of entertainment.

   It's is time for a Facebook Friend Trust Test...Stand up and fall back and I will catch you. By the way, the Facebook Trust Test will be immediate be followed by the Facebook Moron Test.

   Unless life hands you water and sugar.. Your lemonade is gonna suck...

   I like to refer to celebrity relationships with huge age differences like speeding tickets, Ex: Hef is currently doing 84 in a 20

   I think I'll skip English tomorrow. There are just certain aspects of Moby I don't want to know about.

   I'm not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.

   sometimes I find hope at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.

   1852 was a great year, they found the cure for stupidity .... a smith and wesson

   "Money cannot buy you happiness but id rather cry in my ferrari...."

   The BP president said that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine'

   There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours.

   So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? We can send bjillions to Haiti but forget the working folks in the Gulf, eh?

   I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.