Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

   Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

   if they are going to start putting graphic pictures on packs of cigarettes, then they should put deadly dui pics on liquor bottles

   I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a d!ckhead, but you'll get used to it"

   420 is the day we celebrate marijuana. 421 is the day employers celebrate random drug testing.

   ...reminds you that today is Administrative Professionals Day and Hump Day, but it is NOT Hump Your Administrative Assistant Day...

   People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.

   I just bumped into my sexy neighbour. She said, "Hows the little one, getting big I expect?" I said, "Yep, it must be the f-kin tight tops you wear!".

   Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.

   Don't you hate it when you brush your tongue then gag from going too far back!!? If no or n/a, please contact me, ASAP. Chics only, please. K thanks.

   I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "I MISS ATLANTA" so I smashed their window and stole their radio.

   To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.

   Funny how most women are quick to sympathize and lend support and solidarity to a man wanting and pretending to be a woman but are envious, cold hearted and mean to other real women.

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and digiorno, there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice as well.

   Just drove by an Asian restaurant - Wok n' Roll - well played Chinese people. So crever

   I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

   The back of every furniture assembly manual should have a coupon for couples counseling.

   "Hold on, I look like S H I T." {grabs Chanel bag}, "OK, better...Let's go" - Some hood rat chick

   People, put a dollar in the jar every time you masturbate. Trust me on this. {Sent from my yacht}

   If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct... Then I'd paint the floor with red squiggly lines