Funny Status Messages and Tweets

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   Starting a Mexican boy band named Juan Direction.

   That is correct Monday. And the horse you rode in on...

   Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.

   The music industry has suffered a great loss. Justin Bieber was found ALIVE in his hotel room.

   People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"

   I'm not saying she's bipolar, but it took me two hours to figure out her mood ring wasn't a strobe light.

   Eating beans and an egg salad sandwich...this silent treatment from the wife should end in roughly 2 hours.

   I'd love to come to your holiday party and stare at my phone all night.

   I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off" ~ The last thing a lobster thinks.

   Money can't buy love, but it can buy stuff. And I love stuff.

   I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."

   I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne... No need to go that young, L'Oreal!

   They say that history repeats itself but, you know, they've said that before.

   TSA new tagline: We handle more packages than UPS!

   Life is less like a box of chocolate and more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

   You've been banged more times than a ketchup bottle!

   at work, online researching how to be more productive at work