Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its all fun and games until the k9 unit shows up and tell you to pop open the trunk. I wish I was never born

   YOU'RE just another brick in the Facebook wall!

   "You know you've been tagged in a photo on Facebook when there you've got more than 17 Notifications from people you don't know commenting on a photo of you.

   Instead of all this nonsence with an hour here or there or mess around with the whole leap years crap. We should accumulate the time for an extra day on the weekend!.

   A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers

   There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping. You get another wife.

   I'm not a tease. I just sobered up thats all.

   If you think I'm crazy now, try me either WITH alcohol or WITHOUT sedatives

   These leftovers are gonna taste great in 3 hours.

   if you can't learn from your mistakes try doing them again

   Most people don't act stupid – it's the real thing.

   want to know if sex toy manufacturers have product testers?

   People's cellphone ringtones say a lot about them. Usually they say, "I'm mystified by this phone settings."

   The truth is, when I start a statement with "the truth is" I'm usually lying my @ss off

   thinks that, that Veronica Vaughn is one piece of "ace"....I know from experience!!

   I wasn't always into peer pressure......My friends got me into it.

     The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably generally they are the same people.

   I would like to publicly apologize to the Taco Bell lady for interrupting her texting session by trying to place an order. Also for trying to place the entire order for 1, at one time, because since she was texting is was hard to concentrate on what I was

   all for the "going green" thing, but she just can't bring herself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."

   I want my tombstone to read "I have finally cured my addiction to oxygen""