Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can double park anywhere.

   Day Off+ Get Nothing Done=Successful Day Off

   If EVERY radio station on Earth doesn't play R.E.M.'s "It's the end of the world as we know it(and I feel fine) at the PRECISE moment of the solstice...well then you 've really just wasted all of our time!

   How to have a successful relationship - Don't mention your EX every other minute.

   I’m saving time and money by misdiagnosing all my illnesses on the internet!

   The difference between being married and being single is when you're single you don't have to listen to anyone snore while not getting laid.

   Whatever you say, dude. Nobody googles reptile porn by mistake.

   I have 4 missed calls from my mom. A rescue team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting in my underwear on my couch eating cheetos any minute now.

   Your bedazzled iphone lets me know the music in it sucks.

   Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall... knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

   If you're at a party and people start chanting your name, you're obligated to do anything they want you to do

   Was asked if I have a drinking problem. I said no, I've got it figured out

   I walk around with a toothpick in my mouth so crimininals know not to mess with me.

   I did not lie. I was strategically misinforming you.

   Some lady just told me that she was terrible at math and that she flunked "algeber". I'm sure she excelled in English class though.

   I may not be right but I'm a beautiful piece of wrong.

   I am so lazy that I don't even run in Grand theft auto

   If you want to make people angry, lie to them. If you want to make them absolutely livid, tell em the truth!!!!!!!

   DVD Piracy Ad: 'You wouldn't steal a television' - Recent evidence suggests otherwise.

   We have fought for our freedom, then we begin to accumulate laws to take it away from ourself.