Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger

   Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

   A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the sh*t is placed.

   Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.

   Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.

   People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers

   I’m at my most MacGyver when something is stuck in my teeth.

   Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...

   I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

   We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.

   Nothing good ever starts with ‘Got a minute?’.

   Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.

   A massage is just professional petting for humans.

   Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?

   All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.

   If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

   Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!