Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh NO , facebook will be charging ... Do you know what , if it gets rid of you retards who re-post that rubbish I think it will be worth it ...

   Chill bro, I don't want your girlfriend...actually, no one wants your girlfriend, that's why she's with you.

   I will never eat a foot long corn dog at the nude beach ever again

   Look at it this way; if the world's meant to end in 2012, at least you won't have to pay $10/gal for gas

   Oops....Apparently throwing fireworks at people in McDonald's parking lot & yelling Happy Cinco De Mayo is frowned upon : (

   FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.

   My friend just introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that guarantees a 100% payout. It's called a job.

   True love is never having to say "How was I ?"

   Why are they called "Starving Artists" instead of "Untalented Hippies"?

   Dogs may have an incredible sense of smell, but they have a terrible sense of whether that smell is good or bad.

   Helpful hint of my day... Pizza Rolls are the equivelant of molten lava even five minutes after removing from oven... fmt

   This afternoon after work, I plan to take my talents down to the bar

   Ever been in such a hurry you try getting out of your car with your seatbelt still on? It wasn't just me right?

   For decades now, Mario has been collecting coins. He does nothing with that money. Buy the princess a bodyguard or something.

   I heard there was a perfect woman at every corner of the world....Unfortunately, the world is ROUND!!!!

   I've gotten 3 group and 4 page invitations from you and we've been Facebook friends for 15 minutes. You are not off to a good start.

   made my car into a hybrid by siphoning gas out of your tank.

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   Statistics show that kids between the ages of 2 and 8 believe that Sponge Bob Square Pants is actually a cheese....

   wants you to know that if a jelly fish ever stung you, i'd pee on you!