Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.
←Rate | 09-03-2017 02:50 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
←Rate | 09-10-2017 04:39 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
←Rate | 09-14-2017 14:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 16:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.
←Rate | 10-16-2017 09:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?
←Rate | 01-06-2018 13:41 Comments (3)  


   messageicon I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual
←Rate | 01-07-2018 14:37 by MWC Comments (1)  


   messageicon One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Better vote right on all the left stuff and left on all the right stuff every ten minutes. I’m extremely immature.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 02:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
←Rate | 05-12-2017 10:18 by koolfingaz Comments (10)  


   messageicon Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet
←Rate | 05-16-2017 09:51 by Dp Comments (1)  


   messageicon I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.
←Rate | 06-22-2017 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
←Rate | 12-24-2017 20:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
←Rate | 04-06-2017 09:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.
←Rate | 08-25-2017 06:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 21:55 by DocHoliday Comments (0)  


   messageicon More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My great-grandfather fought in World War I and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. You might say he was a seasoned veteran.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 07:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That one sounded like a un-oiled door opening slowly.
←Rate | 12-26-2017 19:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
←Rate | 03-13-2017 19:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  



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