Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.
←Rate | 10-24-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"
←Rate | 10-30-2018 22:12 by Jacob Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?
←Rate | 11-06-2018 18:53 by BWood Comments (2)  

   messageicon When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.
←Rate | 04-18-2018 15:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
←Rate | 04-30-2018 13:48 by JohnY Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.
←Rate | 04-30-2018 15:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If this new pair of camo crocs doesn't get me laid tonight, nothing will.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 23:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.
←Rate | 06-06-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.
←Rate | 06-14-2018 12:46 by Mediadude Comments (0)  

   messageicon What dad's really would like for father'r day. To be left alone so they can drink their beer in peace.
←Rate | 06-16-2018 22:48 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.
←Rate | 07-01-2018 10:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I'll even remove your duct tape.
←Rate | 07-27-2018 12:18 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is drake worried if Kiki loves him.. I thought he only loves his bed and his momma
←Rate | 08-07-2018 11:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dog is one of those trained to sniff drugs!..he's brilliant and can even roll up his own $20 bill.
←Rate | 09-21-2018 19:15 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas
←Rate | 10-08-2018 11:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon OJ said he has lived a conflict free life. Unless, he thinks you are or our have his property. Then watch out. Things get crazy.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 20:10 by Pj Comments (0)  

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