Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5882

   messageicon Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.
←Rate | 08-15-2019 20:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't keep in touch with my family very often. But when I do, I hear it on the Police Scanner.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 14:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you're old if you remember a time when the only thing you could do with a telephone was talk on it.
←Rate | 08-21-2019 22:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
←Rate | 08-22-2019 11:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 12:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you're pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
←Rate | 08-21-2019 13:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 62% of marriage conversation is just spouses stating “I never said that.”
←Rate | 08-22-2019 15:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Im so good at procrastinating I always have something to look forward to!....
←Rate | 08-22-2019 16:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dudes who order boneless wings close the Fridge with their hips
←Rate | 08-22-2019 18:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.
←Rate | 08-14-2019 06:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!
←Rate | 08-10-2019 21:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:35 Comments (1)  


   messageicon WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!
←Rate | 08-11-2019 16:00 by Fluff!! Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot
←Rate | 08-21-2019 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left