Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The temperature went from 90 to 55, like it saw a state trooper.
←Rate | 10-16-2021 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.
←Rate | 10-10-2021 15:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Starting a new job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show.
←Rate | 10-10-2021 15:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Recipes should include photos of the mess you have to clean up afterwards.
←Rate | 10-10-2021 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon These mask mandates just made ventriloquism a lot easier.
←Rate | 10-01-2021 04:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We lost our culture around the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and started vaping strawberry cheesecake.
←Rate | 10-01-2021 04:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable; you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.
←Rate | 10-01-2021 04:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.
←Rate | 02-26-2021 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m so competitive, I don’t let anyone ruin my life more than I do.
←Rate | 08-02-2021 05:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.
←Rate | 07-30-2021 06:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.
←Rate | 08-05-2021 17:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.
←Rate | 08-05-2021 04:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people won’t admit their faults. I would, if I had any.
←Rate | 07-29-2021 05:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What you just said, is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul.
←Rate | 09-14-2021 02:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.
←Rate | 07-28-2021 02:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The difference between a conspiracy theory and reality is about two weeks.
←Rate | 08-21-2021 06:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
←Rate | 09-14-2021 02:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I have to wear a mask to protect your health, I’m gonna slap that McDonald’s outta your hands too.
←Rate | 10-01-2021 04:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't approve of poll-little-cow jokes, I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
←Rate | 09-14-2021 02:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sold my homing pigeon 142 times last year on eBay.
←Rate | 10-04-2021 11:46 Comments (0)  

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