Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
←Rate | 05-14-2018 15:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
←Rate | 05-22-2018 10:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?
←Rate | 05-24-2018 03:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 14:56 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:31 by @thecatwhisperer Comments (0)  


   messageicon hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
←Rate | 05-16-2018 23:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
←Rate | 05-14-2018 14:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 12:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 17:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!
←Rate | 05-12-2018 09:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 23:37 by Mark.Twain Comments (0)  


   messageicon remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast
←Rate | 05-12-2018 20:32 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 13:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
←Rate | 04-30-2018 13:48 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 23:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 23:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.
←Rate | 05-22-2018 07:56 by @jasonlastname Comments (0)  


   messageicon The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:09 Comments (0)  


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