Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's an idea: When in doubt, shut your mouth.

   My Psychiatrist is getting tired of starting our sessions with "Why do you think they unfollowed you?"

   Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"

   You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.

   She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she's gathering evidence.

   What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

   How can Canadians be so nice and their geese be such a-holes??

   I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   I finally found my girlfriends G spot.. Turns out her sister had it .

   Mariah Carey didn't give the performance that 2016 wanted, but she gave the performance 2016 deserved.

   I wanted the Cubs to win, only because they are from Chicago and its amazing they made it that far in the season without a single player getting shot.

   I guess the dead didn't get out to vote.....

   I like this mannequin challenge. It gets idiots to shut the hell up for a minute.

   Turns out Santa is the ultimate Millennial Hipster ..... He works one day a year .... and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

   Not sure I'm going to heaven. At this point in my life, the best I can hope for is the low humidity section of hell.

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   Why is it called "Planned Parenthood"? Since they provide birth control and abortions it should be called "Prevent Parenthood".

   Politicians are constantly rated as among the most Un-Trustworthy people. So how come so many people actually believe every promise they make for when they become president? They should know that they are just going to prove the same point once again.