Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...

   Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   Instead of Build Back Better, how about you just Put it Back the Way You Found it.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.

   No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.

   Starting a new job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.