Funny Status Messages

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   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help... so I hired a hitman.

   That #MomentOfPanic when in the middle of showing your girlfriend a video on your phone.......another girl calls

   Decaffeinated coffee is useless brown water.

   Don`t let the sadness of your past, and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present...

   Best friends can stab you in the back and cheaters can stab you in the heart. But it's worse when they share the knife.

   Alarm clocks: because every morning should start with a heart attack

   wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"

   Why can't rappers just say nice things? Like, “I wanna take your clothes off and hang them up in the closet real nice."

   I am the guy that you never want to leave alone in the control room, I will always hit the red button.

   Dude chill, it's GYM, not the olympics

   I want to live in a house with secret passageways and one of those revolving walls that you have to pull out a book to open.

   ‎"Your Status has expired. Please deposit $1.25". ~FB Meter Maid

   Though I know it doesn't work, I always try and shoot that laughing dog in Duck Hunt.

   If only Slash could have played for the other 13 minutes it would have been a great halftime!

   Dear yellow traffic light, Challenge accepted. Sincerely, a driver running late.

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send".

   Finally...a woman who can make me smile without taking her clothes off.

   Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is calling me a doctor because I own Band-aids.

   To all the mothers: Happy Mother's Day. Don't let it go to your head. You are a working double tomorrow.