Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him.

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend. Here, hold him."

   Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   We lost our culture around the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and started vaping strawberry cheesecake.

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

   If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again

   I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

   Are they still bad habits if I like them?

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   When this is over.. What meeting will you need to attend first.. Weight watchers or AA ?

   I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor

   Can anybody cover my shift tonight? ~ Santa Claus