Funny Status Messages

   I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.

   Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus without a Facebook reminder.

   If there's enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.

   I'm at my most walk of shame when I'm wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

   One of the hazards of sheep farming must be trying to stay awake while taking inventory.

   Germans are going to be hit with large fines if they invade someone else's space! 80 years too late if you ask me?

   Imagine surviving Covid19 then China releases Covid19S Plus Pro

   I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

   I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

   Man it's already half way through the year. Time flies when the world is falling apart.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?

   There’s no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.

   I went to the toilet without my phone. There's 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a shampoo bottle is "methylchloroisothiazolinone".

   Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

   At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.

   Someone just called me NORMAL......I have never been so insulted in my life....

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work

   I HAVE SEEN MORE of tiger woods on facebook today than him on the pga tour in years

   Ladies, don't get your panties in a bunch. The ones sold individually are much nicer.