Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?

   Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get their little legs apart?

   The most blatant way to flaunt wealth, is to shoot a box of ammo at a plywood target.

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   The biggest mistake you make with us truth-seekers, is you think we want to be right. Trust me, we wish we were wrong.

   The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

   Joe Biden wants to put coke back in cocaine, or you know, the thing.

   Jill Biden tries cocaine for the first time, says it needs more coke.

   Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.

   We live in a time where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

   Her: What is this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Her: I h*te you. Me: Yes, use your h*te.

   My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

   The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...

   Look I'm not saying I'm old, but when I was young rainbows were black and white..

   How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.

   CDC just announced dudes can stop wearing skinny jeans.