Funny Status Messages
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In Canada, we start the New Year with resolutions. Trump starts with delusions. 
My friend Hugh enjoys puns about 80's music. That's what I like about Hugh.
I've ordered and returned the same boomerang on Amazon for over a year now.
Exercising would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burned them.
Panties aren't the best thing in the world. But they're next to it.
cow: [feeling sick] I have four stomachaches
Does anyone find it the least bit curious that those ghay pedophiles known as priests live in a place called a rectory?
If anyone wants a list of my favourite Bugs Bunny quotes, I'll send them to you in a WhatsApp doc
Joe Biden
I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I enjoy walking in a convenience store and having the cashier ask if I got gas. “No…just a little indigestion!”
I was gonna cook alligator for dinner, but my stove is broken and all I have is a croc pot.
I'm endorsing Kermit the Frog for the Green Party candidate. It's about time we had a puppet regime.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot I actually did that all by myself
When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams still have all of their timeouts.
That awkward moment when you realize even Hitler found his soulmate, yet you can't even seem to find that last bag of potato chips in the cabinet.
When the Lone Ranger needed cancer treatment, it was chemo, sob, eh ?
Carrie Fisher was found unconscious by a relative,who tried to revive her with chest compressions. Unfortunately, the force wasn't strong enough.
I bought a new Christmas Tree today. The shop owner said to me, "Are you going to put that up yourself?", "No" I replied, "I was thinking to put it in the Lounge!" 