life Funny Status Messages

   Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.

   Most of my life goals don’t even include me in them.

   Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

   I have to constantly remind myself of the fact that life is too short to waste it on getting mad at idiots

   Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.

   I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...

   "Can we talk for a minute?" is code for, "I am going to ruin the next 6 hours of your life with this bad news here."

   After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.

   Some people are better kept only as Facebook friends and never to be interacted with in real life.

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me Today.. "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

   if you're feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

   The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

   My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

   If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.

   Honey that posted this below dont lie to these folks, you never did have a 401k, hell you never worked a day in your life.

   Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

   My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.