Funny Status Messages
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I am visualizing a world of peace and harmony that has never known conflict. And I am visualizing us completely dominating that world. 
If I am not supposed to eat Tide pods then why are they citrus flavored?
My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.
Pro tip: If there's no man in the pictures, there usually isn't a man in the picture...
what do you call a fly without wings?
: Fun fact, you can not hum while tightly pinching your nose.
. Why is it that you park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway ?
With Lynn Yaeger, we dont need a new Pennywise. She will scare you and steal your shoes.
I call my girlfriend Crisco. She thinks it means she's white and smooth. It really means she's fat in the can.
BLOCK ME & best believe I’m downloading that text free app. We ain’t done yet.
In the summer it was to hot outside now it's to cold outside to take the Christmas lights down.
Happy Valentines ay, ladies. Don't worry, you'll be getting the D soon.
Daytona 500 at the Daytona International Speedway today. International? Really? Which car is the guy from Mumbai driving?
We went to buy a Christmas tree last night. It's supposed to be fun, right? At the end of the night I was so crazy I put the tree in the backseat of the car and strapped my kid to the roof.
there anything worse than getting interrupted during sex? Especially when you were about to achieve your big O.
ah nuts, I accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Ok, I'm a Boomer. But not a Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup with cubed white meat chicken casserole Boomer.
New Year, New Me Yeah, Right Moment: I thought I'd start wearing glasses to appear somewhat intellectual. No one's buying it though. They all say the same thing, "Uh sir, there's no glass in those frames."
Don't forget that Saturday, February 29th is Leap Day just in case Daylight Saving Time didn't throw you off enough.
Hello...?!?!?!
Has anyone on FB noticed my desperate pleas for help and attention?!
...Anyone at all?! 