Funny Status Messages
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So did the pope sign with the cardinals" I'm confused..whos the pope anyways" was he even in the combine this year? 
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Mondays
A dental assistant is nothing more than a dentist's roadie
The phone company Virgin Mobile pretty much gives its satisfaction rate just by its name
I'd call you a cun t, but I actually like cun ts.
End of the world headlines... National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, together again
Just thinking about how Notre Dame and most married men have a lot in common. How you ask, Bpth are always trying to score but not making it to the endzone often enough!!
Dear Abby dies. Ann Landers annouces she was really just an imaginary twin...
FYI: Always go through the opposite way of the Drive-Thru at McDonalds. A few waiting will throw enough bags of free food that will last for week!!!!
pick up line of the day: thank you for being absolutely beautiful.
hasn't done laundry in 5 months and isn't wearing any underwear right now, just a big sock. and I do mean a BIG sock.
what did people used to do when they couldn't google the answers to their homework?
Me: Do you know me? Sales Person: Mitch, I believe Me:I prefer Magneto.
Sooner or later you will see the BIG PICTURE God is painting for your life instead of just the colors He's using at the moment so dont get your panties all up in a knot
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
When my girlfriend's football team wins it makes her horny, so I just keep replaying the one time they did. I'm not stupid.
McDonalds should advertise their double drive thrus help people lose wait...
Christmas Eve. As we they in San Francisco: May the corpulent bearded homo sapien in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.
I hate the smell of Walmart when I walk in. It smells like old beer and subway. Merry Christmas everyone!
Out with the Old, in with the New.......not you Honey.....I meant the year.....had enough of 2011......:) 