Funny Status Messages
Search Messages:
dear google, please stop acting like my girlfriend and finishing my sentences and guessing what i`m searching for 
I think at some point a switch flicks in the heads of parents. From "study, study, study" they go "marry, marry, marry".
Buy a b!tch some high heels and she'll walk all over you in them.
#fatgirlstrippernames: Dolores Umbridge... and now your life is scarred forever with that mental image.
I wish some people's clothes were made of Touch Screen Material !! :0)
Life is like a p*nis, it's short but it seems so long when it gets hard.
This girl wrote on her status; "I Desperately Need A Boyfriend!" So I commented, “No you need some water coz you sound thirsty!” And now I am deleted.
Just overheard two foodies debating the best way to make Thanksgiving gravy. It was like my ears were being waterboarded.
The way I see it...if that Snooki character can be perceived as hot, we ALL have a shot at the same distorted perception.
Today I'm thankful for Call of Duty, saving young girls virginity and ruining marriages since 2003.
Just pushed out a fart that sounded like a toddler screaming into a kazoo
The cheese I'm eating right now isn't very tasty. It feels good to share my feelings.
This coffee isn't wariming me enough...I need a cup of lava!!
mix in some vodka and call it a meal
If you're gonna have raw sex with the person you love so much, at least do it wearing the safest thing...A WEDDING RING!
I've never actually seen anyone using a laptop on top of their lap.
Rice is awesome. Especially if you want like 2000 of something...
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
A year ago, Facebook was great according to orange. Now it's anti-Trump. Make up your mind orange head.
I use to think that wearing masks was so ridiculous and lame. Now that I've seen him wear one, I love masks and I can get enough of them. 