Funny Status Messages
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Why do you ladies feel it necessary to manipulate a man to get what you want?? Well, lol...we buy you a drink cuz we think your thirsty!! 
You're so trashy, I'm surprised the garbage man doesn't try to pick you up with the rest of the trash bins.
eating chocolate+ shooting singing cats with my water gun= happiness
Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think that I ... wait what were we thinking about?
DRUNKEN BAR FIGHT. Put the 1st 8 friends at the left of your profile in order... this does not work for moble users...CRAP.
One man says to the other "I heard Joe is doing Crystal Meth now." The other man replys "Who's Crystal and how longs he been doing her?"
That odd moment when you sober up and realized you poked your sister on facebook last night.
how many people telling dominican jokes does it takes to change a bulb?
Maury told me "You are Not the father"... That just made my day!
to do list- 1) shoot video confession. 2) sign over house and children to the bank. 3) make fritters for Parole Officer.
Went a week without taking a selfie. Where's my Medal of Honor, Obama?
Today a homeless man stuck a hand out at me and said 'spare change'His hand was empty, I think the pr!ck was teasing me, so I took his dog
My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and they’re like, hey who is your hot friend.
Some of you are funny,some poetic,some angry,some horny,some drunk,some in love,some lonely,some crazy,some too-good-to-be-true. I <3 you all.
ʎןıɯɐɟ & spuǝıɹɟ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ʎɯ ¡¡¡ɐıןɐɹʇsnɐ ɯoɹɟ sbuıʇǝǝɹb
If Godzilla ever goes on a rampage in Florida, I would move to Lego Lan. Because nobody likes stepping on a Lego #GodzillaKryptonite
Possible post if Facebook was around in 1968) Busy day today. Me and my cousin rode are bikes all over town. Later we went fishing and after that played some basketball , don't text us we don't have a cell phone............
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call
Sometimes I hump my wife to Bon Jovi
I got to work late this morning, so I guess I'll have to leave early to make up for it. 