Funny Status Messages
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thinks that girls who say they're comfortable with their body may as well say "why bother taking care of myself" 
Maintain your vehicle before your check engine light turns into a silhouette of a hand giving you the finger.
House party couple of doors away, music sounds awesome, wish I could rock up. Takes me back. These days my 4 yr old has mores parties.
Why does it seem only ugly, fat or old chicks hit on me when I go out to the local watering hole?
I Left my wife after she developed a strange fetish. She liked to dress-up as herself and act like a f--king c--t all the f--king time.
How do you say, 'I don't want to go out with you because I have a mad crush on someone that lives in my phone' without sounding crazy?
Get fat with me so I know it's real.
Nothing is better than watching a woman getting in touch with herself. Especially if she lets me watch
BBM is just a support group for people who can't afford an iPhone.
I don’t understand what this pen was doing in my pocket but it looks like it enjoyed itself, it even came.
I enjoy listening to Ice cube in the summer. He's very refreshing.
You know you're married to a goddamn redneck when you're making chicken gizzards and hog jowl for supper.
Computer technology used to be a lot tougher. Back when I was a teenager, mice had balls.
I always do things for the wrong reason. Like, watch the World Series for the organ music interludes.
The only way to be the best husband or boyfriend in the world is by listening and not talking.
with friends like these..who needs enemas?
I'm wondering if my mail order bride from the middle east comes with a bang?
Dear Men. When a woman is upset, don't ask her what's wrong, but for GODS sake don't not ask her what's wrong either. Hope this helps.
Some people were dropped as a baby, but you were clearly thrown at a wall.
I just want to say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" to everyone, well everyone but you. I shaved my nutz for you and you just left me to die a VIRGIN!! 