Funny Status Messages

   Don’t be afraid to be open-minded. Your brain isn’t going to fall out.

   Diarrhea is a trait in my family. It runs in our genes.

   A man mixed his wife's ashes with fireworks....so she could light up his life one last time.

   [pees all over your front porch]..... YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW.

   I work with a guy that wants to vote for Hillary (just so he can say he lived long enough to see a woman President. Wonder how many of you are out there with the same thoughts?

   "Come on down!!!! You're the next contestant on the Rice is White" ~ Asian game show.

   Most bars should be called peace and quiet, after the no smoking signs went up

   My ex told me to grow a pair of balls, but I'm growing petunias for my garden instead.

   MY MOM ON HER COMPUTER: [please create a password].... MOM: 123abc... [password must be eight characters long],,, "Ummm ok".... passwordmustbeeightcharacterslong

   Amazon's Prime Day: An experiment in quantifying disappointment. #primeday

   I just found out that my dog doesn't like Bacon.. BACON !!... I don't think we can be best friends anymore.

   Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

   I took a train home. Now I don't know how to get it back on the rails...

   Only stupid, brainless and robotic idiots think education needs two layers of middle-men taking a cut out of the budget. (state + fed)

   Don’t waste your time arguing with strangers on the internet. Save that sh*t for your wife.

   How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl + S

   if I had a dollar for everytime somebody said I was pretty ... ive had one dollar -thanx mom!

   Starting my weekend off right with a simmering rage. It's a beautiful day for violence!

   Single girls, who are you wearing matching panties and bra for? Singles guys, who are you wearing clean underwear for?

   nothing in life is free. Everything has a price. Every action has a consequence.