santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   I can't believe we still have 364 days till Christmas and people already have their lights up.

   Wonder why kids set out milk and cookies for Santa, but not a salad for the Easter Bunny.

   Now it's to hot out to take the Christmas decorations down.

   Cinco de Mayo makes me long for a world in which all holidays are conveniently named after the dates on which they fall.

   To All Those Who Received a Book from Me as a Christmas Present....They are Due Back at the Library Today

   I think it's time I go outside and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   If you want to know if Santa has you on his “nice” list,, or his “naughty” list,, Just ask Russia,,, and they'll just hack it for you.

   I just found out that my wife is actually Mrs. Santa Claus!! At least that's what my kids tell me.

   I was going to wish merry christmas to all of the women that accused Trump of groping but I cant find them.

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

   Christmas comes quicker than a teenager during his first dry hump.

   On the 12th day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me- 12 people I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 holiday pet pictures, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 p

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard.

   When I was a kid I wrote to Santa Clause to "please send me a baby brother",,,,,,Santa wrote back "send me your mother"!

   It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

   Now showing exclusively in San Francisco, Santa Monica, Chelsea and Key West. 50 shades of g ay.

   Christmas came early!!! Happy EIGHTEENTH Birthday Miley!!!

   I've just popped down with my floral tribute to Amy Winehouse, last years Xmas tree. It's the perfect tribute, 5 & a half feet, dead & surrounded by needles.

   Last Christmas I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year I'll give it to someone speci....wait a minute! You re-gifted my heart!?!

   Dear Santa, I thought I'd save you some time. There's no need to check your list. I've been very, very, naughty. I'll try again next year. P.S Why do you have to be so damn judgemental?