Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.

   This just in...BALLOON BOY IS SAFE! For all of his actions leading to safe recovery of the six year old, Obama has been awarded a 2nd Nobel Prize!

   I enjoy blowing the horn as I drive past the Blind School and watch all the kids wave in the wrong direction .

   I stepped into the Wal-Mart bathroom and it smelled like Casey Anthony's trunk in there...

   If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

   "how much is an Eminem?" "50 Cent" "WHAT?! That's Ludacris! Black Eyed Peas are much cheaper. I can go get them at my granny's house. She lives 3 Doors Down." "Sweet! Let's take the Backstreet, Boys."

   Beauty lies in the eye of the beer-holder.

   Sing it with me! I ...... I believe.... I believe that they just tied. I believe that they just tied. I believe that they just tied.

   Wife wife insists on having the last word in any argument. Anything I say after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   "Going forward, we will only be selling one-way tickets." -Malaysian Airlines press release

   Hate when Taco Bell doesn't have the all of their menu items on the drive thru sign, cuz then I have to just ask for.. "the thing that made me crap my pants last time"

   Breaking news: Israel has found yet another tunnel from Gaza... but when they attempted to go inside, they discovered that the NY port authority had already set up a tollbooth there and demanded $15 to cross...

   I watch the Purge tonight and it's not a bad idea.

   Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

   I just got that call no man wants. From my ex wife...

   Do you want to be right or happy?

   Dear Curiousity: Just please put down the gun and let's talk this out. -The Cat

   Nutella flavoured toothpaste... *steps on stage*... *collects million dollar prize*

   Colorado has the best Chicken Pot Pie.

   Valentine's Day special: Half dozen condoms for sale. Expire on 3/2014! $4 or best offer. I doubt I'll need em.