Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A stranger stabs you in the front. A boyfriend stabs you in the heart. An enemy stabs you in the back but real friends don't carry knives.

   I can't believe Mary's parents bought that whole "pregnant virgin" thing.

   . Was the rainbow that appeared over capitol building a sign of approval from above that the dem won the control of the house.

   Looks like Hillary's going to steal the election by using the oldest trick in the book. By getting millions more votes than her opponent.

   You know you're brainwashed when Donald Trump and FOX News have you convinced that the FBI are the bad guys and Russia are the good guys.

   So all I have to do is stage a few fake miracles and the Pope approves my sainthood? Roman Catholic is more of a cult than a church.

   I bet people who still wear watches are also the same people who still call radio stations requesting songs.

   i think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a women

   Did you hear about the mexican guy who had a heart attack on Halloween? Somebody came to his door dressed as a job.

   Donald Trump has been running his pie hole for the last four months. And this has been one of the warmest winters in years. Coincidence?

   If all mankind descended from Adam and Eve who only had two sons like the bible says, then it means we are all products of incest which according to the same bible is major sin.

   I used to have an invisible friend, then I stopped going to church.

   saw a pirate movie the other day... It was rated ARRRRRRRRR!

   Girl texts you: What ya doing? You reply: Playing Xbox.. Err I mean lifting weights. Yeah lifting weights.

   I give $50 a week to Jesus.........my lawn guy.

   Don't pray too much; God might recognize it as spam. :)

   Stormy Daniels is shooting a new movie, titled "Stormy Does The Republicans".

   I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

   Religious people believe because it makes them feel better; but thankfully there's booze for that.

   Fox News is the funniest Tv station ever! Good source of entertainment. But seriously, I trust the Daily Show more.