Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   9.LIKE if you think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate

   I don't trust the ground I stand on......... Anymore

   Saint Patrick was born in Britain under Roman rule. He was captured by Irish pirates and forced to be a slave.

   honestly believes girls are like parking spaces...good ones are already taken! and the ones left over are handicapped

   Yesterday I had a religious experience: I was repressed and beaten by a man in a black robe.

   I officially give up...lol oh well I guess thats why god gave me hands and man made energizer batteries lol

   walked into a woman on the street today which is weird because va-ginas aren't usually that big...

   What do you do if your Kotex are on fire? Throw them on the ground and tamp on it.

   I'm not bulimic, I just like tasting the same food twice.

   imagine how pissed Batman gets whenever Robin uses foursquare. "The location of the Bat Cave is meant to be a secret, so STOP checking in!"

   I used to have super powers, but my psychiatrist took them away

   Goodbye, Rosalyn. You will not be missed. I hope you enjoyed yourself with the staffer! :)

   Lindsay Lohan is a dumbass. I think I'm going to sue E*trade too because my daughter's name is Lindsay and she has name recognition too!

   If your wife or girlfriend forces you to carry a "man bag", it's official: you've been "pursey whipped."

   pitching a tip to George Lucas for a new robot in the next Star Wars, the H1N1.

   excited when her friend asked her to come and see saw, then dismayed when we drove straight past the playground and arrived at the cinema...

   just tossed his wifes salad... with a lovely sesame ginger vinaigrette.

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   I just LeBron Jamesed my pants. Is that a thing yet?

   Sometimes I wish I could Ctrl, Alt, Delete my life