Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A&E has just announced the replacement show for Duck Dynasty the new show will be Dyke Dynasty.

   I'm at the age where I don't want to throw away a box because, well, it's a really nice box.

   perkatory (PUR kah tawr ē) n.: The anguished, prolonged period of time waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to finish brewing.

   Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

   You think we have a problem with immigrants now? Wait until all the hoes of the world find out that they too can be The First Lady no matter what they have done.

   Apparently the Russians also have very compromising material on Trump which they are ready to release if Trump decides not to play ball with Putin.

   Looks like those tariffs will finish off the family dairy farm once and for all. Too much winning!

   Starting to think my job only wants me for my labor

   Hillary Clinton has been on more private jets than Donald Trump ..... and hasn't paid for a single one of them ...

   Trump is a living embodiment to an erection that lasted more than 4 hours.

   Apparently, my neighbor's nativity scene proves that he believes there was a Minion in Bethlehem

   I'm the man from Nantucket.

   I’m glad they have a holiday to honor Neil PATRICK Harris, he’s amazing.

   Dating Profile: I enjoy long walks on the beach, the equisite writings of Edgar Alan Poe, and watching chicks shove stuff up their poop pipe.

   God didn’t make all men equal, Samuel Colt did.

   Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.

   Trump is like the Charlie Sheen of the political world .... WINNING!

   Nintendo or Nintendon't,,,,, There is no nintendtry

   ur honor, I call GOD as my witness... *jury gasps*... *nothing happens*...*slowly, a man with a beard rises from the stands*... Dammit No Gary,,, sit down

   I'm convinced any man who introduces themselves with 'Uncle' before their name is a child molester.