Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget a dislike button, I'd rather have a 'This makes me want to punch you in the back of the head' button. Especially between now and tomorrow when 96% of you will have the exact same status. New Moon is out or reminding me it's Friday.

   ๑۩۩๑ MY KINGDOM ๑۩۩๑

   Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

   If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

   Would rather wash clothes than go to a Wnba game

   'I like my men like I like my coffee... ground up and in the freezer.'

   Just saw an ad that says, "Grow 4 inches in 4 weeks". Wow, can you imagine a 6 inch c*ck!

   For extra cash, consider robbing sex offenders. Their addresses are easy to find and they can't own guns.

   Are you auditioning to be a FOX News host, or do you just enjoy being an uninformed, reality-challenged halfwit?

   Wow I guess David didn't beat Goliath, Tim Tebow did... what a game.

   The last time a Christian was that thoroughly torn apart, Caligula was Emporer.

   What's up with the Mexican jokes, they are so lame! Come up with something better...LOL

   *coming soon* "Toy Story 3"....Buzz and Woody meet some of Andy's mom's toys, that incidentally have the same names.

   Gotta love Facebook... I haven't had this much fun writing on walls since I was 6.

   Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex? Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   "But millions of people are going to end up losing their health insurance!" -What the critics said when Obamacare was being developed.

   Disrespectful parents letting their kids run around screaming. Can't I just have a nice quiet meal at Chuck E Cheese?

   Maybe if we tell some people that their brain is an app they'll start using it.

   What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?? The Hoover's got a dirtbag on the inside...