Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just found a Christmas present from last year for the kids....... should have seen their little faces when they opened it...poor little kitty!

   Leaving tha house to start todays blactivities!

   I just accepted Jesus...to do my lawn for the next year

   Only trust people who like big butts... they cannot lie.

   Just took a duce so big and hard I think it was my first gay experience

   Does anyone have a good marinade recipe for dolphin?

   Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine;)

   a jack of all trades and a master of fun.

   During the deposition, Don Jr decided to plead the Fifth, mainly because that's as high as he can count.

   I wish everything was as easy as gaining weight.

   Wondering why I have a belly button, but not being able to imagine life without one

   .Its Better to lose a lover THAN love a loser

   Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

   100 Days in. Only 6.8% of the way to another President! Yay!

   Ok..so I went ahead and gave Jesus the wheel but I still crashed my car and got a dui

   Excuse me sir; you left your weird Jesus pamphlet on your bus seat. Oh yeah? Well here's a revelation for you: that's called littering.

   Body piercing saved your life. -Jesus

   I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint. It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

   The worst thing about being a vegan farmer is having to wake up every morning and go milk the almonds.

   *spank* . DIDN'T . *spank* . I. *spank* . TELL *spank* YOU *spank* TO *spank* . CLEAN . *spank* . UP ? MOVE YA HAND !