Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the difference between The New England Patriots and a p0rn star? The p0rn star doesn't ch0ke on the big ones.

   Food stamps are the new “Hey, I finished SOME community college.”

   Not all guys want multiple girlfriends at the same time... 1 is enough trouble.

   I've never sky dived before, but I have zoomed in REAL FAST on Google Earth!!

   Marriage tip #7: The first thing you ask your wife when she comes to the door from work is what she going to make for dinner? She will appreciate it because you are putting your family's needs first above your own.

   If you lose half your IQ, that'll make you Q.

   Hello, 911, I am calling about this African American family, The Jeffersons. I want to complain that they finally got a piece of the pie.

   I really hope Hillary starts her acceptance speech with "AM I SMILING ENOUGH FOR YOU NOW?"

   Online contest to rename POTUS ... I vote for Pouty McPoutface or Fatty McFatface.

   According to most of you people here, I guess the holocaust is considered freedom of speech?

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small." -Mrs. Grinch

   posing patiently with my clothes off for Google Earth to come by and take my picture...

   am I the only one that thinks that Prince William looks like a cross between John Elway and a Mongoloid?

   Treat em like ladies - love em like lesbians!

   My four keys to a successful marriage are: 1) A garage key. 2) A car key. 3) An office key. 4) And a key to your girlfriend's apartment.

   We always hear: Ipod, Ipad, and Iphone, it would be nice to hear ILove you once in awhile

   all this coverage of the earthquake, why didnt anyone jump under desks ?

   I was on Facebook before it was cool, and before the rest of you idiots joined.

   say NO hickeys .

   Excuse me Casey Anthony but Kanye West says OJ had the best murder trial of all time!!!