Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

   realized you can continue to vomit LONG after you thought you were done.

   go on google,type why are a' and look at the first and fifth results in the auto fill

   Why do banks leave both doors open but they chain the pens to the counter?

   teaching my dog to remove comdoms like I taught it to remove my socks wasn't a real smart idea... Just saying, thats all... =\

   Worried about traveling on Turkey Day, the full body scan screener may think I have a rilfe in my pants.

   once had a Hangover so bad I had to put sneakers on the cat

   Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas, Mommy and Daddy are mad. I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas 'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad

   Today's secret word is "Drama". If you hear somebody say it scream real loud and knock them out. Ready? Go try it.

   "I see!" says the blind man, as he pisses in the fan, "It all comes back to me now..."

   Cool like the other side of the pillow.

   waiting for boomerangs to make a comeback

   16yr-old Gossip Girl Taylor Momsen says her bff is her vibrator. In creepier news, Justin Bieber says he won't leave home w/o his buttplug!

   Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.

   Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?" Jesus: "Yes." Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus." Jesus: "I forgive you."

   You know who else says I'M FINE when they are clear not fine? Satan

   When you unlike my humanitarian posts, I think you're on the beast side, I imagine a person with an extreme antisocial disorder, say an undetected killer or with potential to be a serial killer.

   I got kicked out of the supermarket for comparing apples and oranges. Manager said "you can't do that cause it would be like co..forget it."

   Getting my car fixed my a stoned mechanic. I know,, I know,, he's high maintenance

   Free Jay-z concert tickets were given out for Obama voters!!!