Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you mess up a guy’s hair, he thinks it’s cute, but when you mess up a girl’s hair, just hope you’re wearing something bulletproof.

   Today, I was chauffeured around town by a white guy. If only my great great great great great great great grandfather could see this.

   Apparently anal sex is illegal in Iceland. Sadly enough for the American tax payer it's not an issue

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a cashier girl in mall, grocery stores, or McDonald's, Subway...

   if I had a nickel for every girl I slept with, I'd have...like...some nickels...

   Capitalization is the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse".

   Since when is it unconstitutional for an acting president to seek help from a foriegn country to win an election?

   NY and California have he highest number of inbred marriages and incest. So I would say ALOT.

   Shouldn't liars get their stories straight? Kelly Anne said it's the microwave, Donald said it was the phones and Sean said JUST KIDDING. OMG---it's the three stooges!!

   I was enjoying watching a monkey at the zoo flinging his poop at all the spectators until I realized I was at home and watching the daily White House presser.

   The President woke up this morning and said "I don't think we have been corrupt enough yet. There must be more lies we can tell. Get Devin on the phone."

   The way things are going, the only corporate sponsor of the Republican convention will be Trump Steaks.

   If you think it's impressive that the US got a gold medal in the air rifle event, just wait and see how they do in the mass shooting category!

   Look at that! I'm too late, perfect timing.

   Million dollar idea: Uber but for gift wrapping. That way my wife wouldn't think an epileptic monkey on crack wrapped her gift.

   "I'm building a wall around New Mexico too! I don't need any New Mexicans when I'm still trying to get rid of the old ones" - Donald Trump

   Fox News .. we put the @ss in seaxual harassment.

   Everybody who hates Donald Trump is going to Hell. -Pope Francis

   If this guy making my damn sandwich goes as a sloth for Halloween I guarantee he will nail it!!

   Dear McDonalds cashier, dont give me that look. There’s no age limit on a happy meal. And don’t forget the toy!