Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met a man who fell into an upholstery machine. Fortunately, he's fully recovered now.

   Society would improve leaps and bounds if people would just stop putting those stupid Transformers emblems on their cars.

   People who use sporks can't be trusted.

   Just finished watching Karate Kid... Why am I throwing high kicks and making ninga sounds? Yaaaaaaa hoo!

   Oh how that evil ball of hydrogen and helium punishes me on the way home from work with its larger than life flaming brilliance.

   Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

   The Greeks have stopped producing humas and taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

   Gene Simmons is now married...hope he didnt french kiss the bride...she might choke

   my handheld social networking device is ringing! what do I do?.

   Gotta love AC with this heat, but damn it's colder than a witches ( . ) in here...

   I've recently come to realize that pajamas with pockets is the greatest invention EVER! They make it SOOO much easier to hide the stuff I steal when I visit my local Wal-Mart store...

   clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle... with the rest of the citizens that would like to FIRE THE WHOLE STINKIN LOT OF YOU! Wow, that felt pretty good.

   Everyone is always having a good time, till someone poops in the punch bowl

   STILL, loking for a Russian maid with ten fingers like a mouth and a mouth like ten fingers...

   Just had 2 thoughts during my massage. 1.I hope my body is not in an odd position when I die. 2.I don't think I've ever seen a live otter."

   Rain, and gloom every day......like Forks, but no hot vampires

   I thought my dog was crazy for humping the air... then one day I tried it. It's pretty underrated

   "Archaeologists Discover First-Ever Gay Caveman." I'm calling it now: "Glee-anderthal: The Musical." That one's free, Hollywood.

   Single guys need to get a fake ring. I've been hit on more in the last year since I have been married than in a LONG time. You women are scandalous, making me buy a bigger memory card for my contact list and all. Geesh!!!

   Hey Old Navy Mannequins, stop trying so hard, you're embarrassing yourself.