Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: "I lost 5 pounds this month" Me: "I lose 5 pounds when a take a dump" Wife: Maybe you should take more dumps

   What do you get when you set Fire to The Rain ... STEAM ! Lots and Lots of Steam !

   I don't smoke, but I think a cigarette holder is pretty classy. Or as I call it, a Slim Jim holder.

   ATTENTION LADIES!, If he only wants your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC;

   Ventriloquists would be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts.

   Paul McCartney looks like my uncle Fred after a 12 pack.

   Ugly chiks with cute kids should get charged with kidnapping... Bit& that aint yo baby!!

   Agnostic: a lazy Atheist, someone who can't make up his freakin mind. :)

   Girl look at that body, I work out! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...

   Beer can with a british accent sounds like bacon with a jamaican accent

   Breaking News!! Ted Nugent To Be Interviewed By The Secret Service Secret Service " Hey Ted, Can I have your autograph?"

   It's Awkward for men to buy Pads & for women to buy Condoms.

   If I want to be part of your religion I would be the one to go to your church by myself. It doesn't bother if someone come to knock at my door, is the annoying way to try to change my believes that bothers me.

   I can specify your Kunta Kinte from here

   Ladies: There's something just not right about having to take the batteries out of your TV remote to use in your vibrator.

   Walking into your room and saying “Damn, I need to clean this…” then walking out.

   I'm having one of those "can't get my inflatable Santa-in-a-helicopter to stick to the roof of my inflatable manger" mornings.

   I think it's about time we start requiring people to show us their bank account statements first before we can call them celebrities. Too many broke a$$ folks trying to pass themselves off as important and deserving of the celebrity status.

   I hate it when I get into an argument with my mom and then later I here her talking about it on the phone and I'm just sitting there like.....no that's not how it happened. -__-

   On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me: 12 Boy's I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvveeee DRAMA Queeeennnss; 4 game requests, 3 photo tags,