Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

   when life throws skittles at you and tells you to taste the rainbow, just throw m&ms back and say I'm not afraid.

   Ooo Ooo Ooo Sometimes... I get a good feeling... Like today... Cause it's FRIIIIIDAAAYYYYY!!!!!

   ah Summer. That time of year when you want sexy women to post bikini pics but only the fatties do.

   True Freedom: Taking a dump with the door open.

   Whenever you're feeling down, remember; you're the sperm that won.

   If the plural for goose is geese, why isn't the plural for moose meese?

   Okay so I meet this woman. Deb Bowen. The first thing she says is that she's not high maintenance. I ask, "How so?" She goes, "I prefer Cool Whip over Whipped Cream."

   I'm knee deep in pu$$y. Seriously, my 19 cats love the hell outta me.

   I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. And after all this time no less. I wasn't ignoring you, you simply don't matter that much anymore. Please forgive me, yet my feelings will remain unchanged, Myspace phone app.

   Day 2: I am thankful for my Dad not pulling out..Thanks Pops

   If you come to me looking for advice, then let's just start out with your poor judgment of whom to go to for advice, shall we?

   Slugs Are Just Homeless Snails.!

   Kim Kardashian says she's heart broken after her kitten died from cancer. On the bright side, she's definitely in a better place now.

   "You know you´re fat when no one has ever mentioned that you´re ginger" - Adele

   How much doggy style do I have to do before I turn into a dog?

   The key to happiness is having something to look forward to. Lindsay Lohan turns 27 this year and there is this one club. She likes clubs.

   whenever I run I play Avici pandora in my pocket and pretend I'm running to Pacha

   I cheer in all directions rather than limiting myself to just "up"

   Unless you can explain how you know me in three words or less, Facebook Friend Request: DENIED.