Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whatever you are doing, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.

   : I am thankful that they finally discovered that the Tortoise was using Performance Enhacing Drugs in the race with the Hare.

   I'm not bragging, but I wear the same size earing I used to wear in Junior high ..

   Will we be ushering in the year 2016 or 2015S

   My future wife is probably lying in bed right now texting her man about how they’re gonna be together forever. I think not, see you in two years babe

   If the Universe could talk, it would sound like a combination of Morgan Freeman and Optimus Prime.

   its like hot people have the right or licence to be rude and inconsiderate.

   ♫ oooooh, if you're happy and you know it hit Alt F4 ♫

   Don’t count on your chickens before they are hatched; before getting on our nerves and receiving a punch from us.

   I put the I just wanna TALK in STALK

   If you don't smother your food in salt we can't be high blood pressure friends...

   Fellas; There is no need to have a Facebook war. There are enough women to go around on Facebook for you to have a fake relationship with.

   The lifeguard kicked me out of the swimming pool this morning for peeing in the water. I said, why are you picking on me? everybody else does it ? he said yeah, but not from the diving board you d*ck head.

   You don’t get to choose who you love but you get to choose which underwear you’ll wear tomorrow and that shouldn’t be taken for granted.

   "You can't give the World to someone who's only ready for the city"

   If your a guy and you have sparkles on your face, be sure to stop by Victoria Secrets to pick out a bra and panty set to match your new bling.

   It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. That’s why I don’t go out there. I stay in here where it’s a man-eat-chocolate-cake world.

   Anyone know if there is an Angie's List or Better Business Bureau or someplace to file a complaint on a Hooker?.... (Asking for a Friend)...

   KEEP YOUR CAP LOCKS ON JUST IN CASE A DEAF PERSON READS YOUR STATUS.

   I went to the dentist today and couldn't keep my big mouth shut.