Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anti Depressants should be called 'Mirth Control.'

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people....

   Geriatric Mythbusters: Nice little old ladies are not necessarily nice. Or little.

   In my opinion, a horse is the animal to have.  Eleven-hundred pounds of raw muscle, power, grace, and sweat between your legs - it's something you just can't get from a pet hamster.

   Seriously guys , she didn't slap me on the face for calling her a b**ch, its just that I forgot to raise my hand when she wants to high five with me.

   The EPA has placed sanctions on Santa for using such fossil fuels as coal and switches... The EPA has instead, mandated Santa use wind and solar.....In accordance to EPA regulation bad kids will now receive a hydrogen filled balloon and a match.

   I miss the days when men dressed like men. Nowadays guys dress in jeans tighter than their girlfriends'.

   Baby, I would delete almost all of my p0rn for you.

   I use to prefer the girls that adored it when we made a romantic mix tape together. Now I prefer the ones that find it romantic when we use a mix of duct tape together.

   Just told a cardboard box to "p!ss up a rope," so that's where I'm at as a person today.

   Beer Run! Its like a marathon but instead of drinking water you have beer and there is actually no running involved.

   Someone puked on my sister's front steps last night. Signs pointing to me. Looking for clues.

   somebody stole my bookbag, now I dont have a pillow to use in class.. .

   I love "words with friends" so much I wish they would make it a board game.

   Women are like canoes. Actually they're really more like kayaks. Which one has the pointy things? OK; I don't understand canoes/women.

   may reflect economic consequences in relation to constraints placed upon us..! (",)

   I didnt take care of something this morning...now its prarie dog season!

   Shut up sl$t, my showers last longer than your relationships.

   Seen on a Deathstar bathroom wall: "For a good time, call Padme Amidala... Oops, too late."

   I know how to kill you six different ways with a pork chop bone so don't take the last helping of macaroni...